“They assured me they will conduct a complete, thorough investigation of all of the facts surrounding Mr. Khashoggi and will do so in a timely fashion. And that his report itself will be transparent.I told President Trump this morning that we ought to give them a few more days to complete that.”
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo
RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA (October 21 2018) —In an effort to be completely transparent about his business deals, a bearded, keffiyeh-clad Jared Kushner announced Friday that he would avoid conflicts of interest by joining the Saudi royal family. Follow us on Twitter: @INTEL_TODAY
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As former FBI agent Ali H. Soufan observes, “Reality is getting closer and closer to The Onion these days.”
“The American people deserve to know exactly where I stand in regards to financial interests, so to be completely open and transparent, I will become a member of the House of Saud,” said Kushner, who will henceforth be known as Prince Jared bin Charles.
“In addition to renouncing my citizenship, I have decided to sell all of my U.S. properties, divorce my wife, and marry the eldest daughter of Prince Faisal bin Salman.
Furthermore, I have made a $2.5-million donation to the country’s most selective Wahhabist school to ensure the acceptance of my heirs.
Through all of this, I have been and will remain a senior advisor to President Trump.”
At press time, bin Charles reportedly drove off in a gold-plated 2019 Lamborghini Aventador.
Bearded, Keffiyeh-Clad Jared Kushner Avoids Conflict Of Interest By Joining Saudi Royal Family — The Onion
Parody — Jared Kushner Joins Saudi Royal Family